


Know Thyself. Or Not.

by kat_fanfic



Category: Merlin (TV) RPF
Genre: Acting, First Time, M/M, Schmoop, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-06
Updated: 2012-12-06
Packaged: 2017-11-20 12:02:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/585204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kat_fanfic/pseuds/kat_fanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Bradley realized he was in love was the same day Colin turned down his dinner invitation for the third time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Know Thyself. Or Not.

The day Bradley realized he was in love was the same day Colin turned down his dinner invitation for the third time. Colin always claimed to be busy, or that he had a headache, or that he really didn’t really like banana porridge, thanks very much. 

Jeez. Make a joke about Colin being impressed by the food choices on the Dr. Who Set once and get it thrown back at you forever. What a chick. 

This time, Bradley had even meant to cook for real, vegetables and all. He’d planned out the meal to be completely vegan and had even called Colin’s mum to make sure he wouldn’t use anything he wouldn’t eat at all. 

Which kind of excluded quite a lot of important ingredients for just about anything Bradley trusted himself to make at that point. Turned out that Colin was even more nitpicky at home than he’d let himself be on set. Colin was probably too polite to complain about the catering, Bradley figured, even when there were days when he ate his lunch unsuccessfully trying to hide his cutesy grimaces of distaste. 

Bradley on the other hand adored their catering people and actually looked forward to every meal break. Really, hadn’t it been for his pride he’d never have voluntarily looked at a frying pan again he was sure. But ever since that cooking show a couple of months ago he’d been a wee bit put off by the fans laughing online about his cooking abilities. Or more accurately, his complete and utter lack thereof. 

Being the competitive person he was he’d taken on the challenge of teaching himself the fine art of preparing a proper meal for his loved ones – which was, per se, the most important if not only reason to go to the trouble. He wouldn’t cook anything above preparing a simple pasta dish if he’d be the only one eating it.

Considering how he spent half his time in France though and the other half in Wales, with juggling a tight schedule and having practically no personal time at all, he’d come to define the term ‘loved ones’ loosely and cooked for anyone he could lure into the tiny flat he rented during shooting.

There had been a lot of honest complimenting going on these last weeks. He’d gotten really good at the basics and got more daring every time he wielded his brand-new Japanese cooking knives. This experimenting didn’t always bring the results the books showed, but it was almost always edible. Fun too. Angel had almost decked him that one time he tried to get away with putting a whole fish in front of her and calling it ‘Pre-Sushi’, but it had been worth it to see her revolted face.

So far he’d had Richard and Anthony over for dinner, Katie had joined him for lunch last week and Angel was a regular by now, even though she always checked her food with little bites at first. Bradley found it hilarious.

The only one who had wiggled out of every invitation was Colin. So naturally, when Bradley planned his three-course gourmet haute cuisine made-of-awesome eating experience, he’d chosen Colin as guinea pig. Not out of spite, mind you, despite having vague plans to include goat cheese in at least two of the courses, but out of a genuine desire to get to know his fellow actor better. 

Because Bradley really liked Colin. A lot. And even though Colin didn’t make it easy for him, he tried his best to get the other man to open up a bit. Just little things now and then, nothing major. 

Colin though, despite having phases where you couldn’t get him to shut up, never actually revealed much of himself that was of substance. He could talk about the colour of a French sunrise in February for ages, but ask him about his family and the guy clams up like a clamp. 

“Oh, come on,” Bradley wheedled now, having finally cornered his colleague in the wardrobe trailer. “What could possibly be more important than having a nice evening with me, huh?”

Chuckling deep in his throat, Colin answered: “Oh, I can think of some things, actually.”

“Damn, Morgan, are you playing hard to get or what?” Bradley was slowly losing his patience. 

“Not used to resistance?” Colin teased him, sounding only half-kidding. His accent was strangely thick considering they’d spent the day shooting dialogue-heavy scenes and Bradley could have sworn that his co-star had just finished talking to his mother on the phone. He’d been doing that a lot lately and every time his speech got worse for at least a few hours. 

“Look,” Colin continued. “I’d love to have you slave for me in the kitchen but I just got something to do tonight, alright? But I’ll take a rain-check.”

“You’ve done that twice already,” Bradley complained. “Even in Wales it doesn’t rain that much. It’s only one dinner and you don’t even have to do the dishes, how’s that?”

“Tempting.” Colin finished binding his blue neckerchief and glanced in the huge mirror behind him. “But I’ll still have to say no, Bradley. Another time, alright?”

“Fine,” Bradley said, throwing his hands up in a frustrated manner. “You know what? I don’t even want to cook for you anymore, Irish boy. Go, do whatever it is that has you in a bind like that. Look if I care.”

He waited for the customary indulgent half-smile to appear on Colin’s face at his exaggerated hissy fit, but it never came. If all, Colin looked distracted and even more preoccupied than was customary. 

Frowning, Bradley slowly shook his head. This was ridiculous. Colin had always been a private person and kept to himself a lot but these last few weeks he actually bordered on anti-social. He never went out with them anymore, he vanished during breaks almost every day and even when he was there in body, it seemed like his mind was a million miles away. 

Determined to not let this keep going on anymore, Bradley was just about to do something really stupid, like attempting to talk about it, when Lily stuck her head in. “Call’s in five, guys. Get your gear.”

They both nodded and Bradley had to rush to get his last brush-up done. When he came on set, everyone was ready to go and one look at Colin showed him already wearing his Merlin face as well. Every time he witnessed it, Bradley marvelled at the fact that even though he didn’t have any obvious facial changes going on, one could always differentiate right away if Colin was acting or if he was just being himself. 

The downside of him being such a perfectionist was that there was no talking to the guy when he was diving into acting like this. During the first weeks of shooting season one, Bradley had made the mistake of actually trying to talk to Colin during these minutes – and even though he’d always gotten the appropriate answers and head gestures, he found out later that Colin didn’t even remember the topics of their conversations. 

He’d learned to keep quiet after awhile, just as he had learned to write down the things he lend Colin so that he’d actually get them back sometime and to never feed him chocolate covered bread-sticks after midnight. Oftentimes he found that his friendship with Colin had strange similarities to what he imagined it was like to have a small kid around. Or to tending to a Gremlin as Angel had pointed out one night after sharing three bottles of Merlot with him.

Glancing over the script to get into princely prat mode, Bradley’s eyes kept wandering over to where Colin was being set up by the lighting crew. He actually looked forward to this next scene, as he always enjoyed the banter the writers came up with immensely, especially when it seemed to cover the real emotion behind it. No wonder people thought Arthur was doing Merlin.

Someone from make-up began to again powder his face, Bradley still had trouble remembering all the names, and when he turned around he came face to face with Merlin. Immediately he felt his face transform itself into a slight sneer to fit Arthur’s mood. 

He dimly heard the director give last instructions and then someone called “Action!” and just like that they were in Camelot’s marketplace.

“How did you do that?” Arthur asked, still slightly breathless and moved angrily towards Merlin.

Merlin blinked. “Do what?”

Huffing, Arthur gestured to where a stack of wooden boxes had almost crushed him. “This! I saw you moving them, Merlin! I have no idea how you did it as skinny as you are, but it was definitely you!”

“I wasn’t even near them,” Merlin protested weakly, never actually meeting his eyes. “How could I have possibly done that from way over here?”

Arthur didn’t answer. He scanned the surrounding area, searching for suspicious movement, even though he knew it was useless. The girl was long gone.

Cursing under his breath, he sheathed the sword he’d instinctively drawn. He patted the small leather bag hanging from his belt. It had been expertly sliced open at the bottom and was empty now. “It’s not the gold, you know,” Arthur said finally. “I couldn’t care less about that, but. There was a bracelet in that pouch. I wanted to have the clasp fixed since forever and never got around to doing it. It’s gone now.”

Stepping closer, Merlin looked at him, sympathy radiating from his blue eyes. “It was your mother’s, wasn’t it.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Arthur answered angrily. He stepped away, totally ignoring Merlin’s outstretched hand. “I only wanted back what’s mine. I wouldn’t have hurt her, you know, even if I’d caught her. I figure that if she’s desperate enough to steal from the Prince of Camelot, she had to have real problems.”

“I’m sorry,” Merlin mumbled, voice full of sincere regret. Seemingly just realizing what he’d said and how it could be interpreted, he continued, “Er, I mean, I’m sorry she got away with stealing your bracelet, not that I had anything to do with that, of course.”

Pinning his servant with a hard stare, Arthur only said. “No. Of course not.”

Someone called “Cut!” then and as they slowly came out of the trance there were people swarming all around them, readjusting the cameras and just generally fixing things. They did the scene again from another angle and one more time after that with the instructions to “make people wonder about the extent of Arthur’s knowledge”. As if they didn’t do that all the time anyways. 

One time, Bradley made a real effort to play it like Arthur had known about the magic all along. He cut back on the anger while upping the pleading and that was the time the director finally yelled: “Yes, that’s it! It’s a wrap, guys.” 

Watching Merlin abruptly disappear felt wrong somehow after the intent way they’d been staring at each other for what felt like hours, especially when Colin all but ran from the set after being dismissed. It was at that moment, as he looked after his co-star that Bradley finally figured it out. 

Actors played roles. They worked out their characters, interpreting them and filling them with life using voice and movement. Especially in a show like “Merlin” the intent was to make the viewers care about the characters enough so that they’d continue watching each week. 

In his case, this intent had totally worked. Because standing on a set in Wales, between cameras and crates full of fruit in a faked marketplace, Bradley realized that he’d fallen helplessly in love with Merlin Emrys.

 

* * * *

“You what?” Angel choked out, snorting half a sip of diet coke out of her nose as she tried to breathe. “You bastard,” she coughed a while later. “You did that on purpose!”

On a normal day, Bradley would have paid to see this. Today he only sighed and wished for a camera. “Sure,” he answered sarcastically, once he was reasonably sure that she wouldn’t choke to death. “I always time wrecking my life to you taking a drink.”

Angel stared at him for a long time, sitting absolutely still. Just as he was about to call an ambulance (and how did one explain a coke-inhaling induced waking coma to one’s co-workers without it sounding like a drug-party gone awry anyway?) Angel slowly narrowed her eyes.

“Oh, my, god,” she finally breathed. “You’re actually serious. This is no stupid joke you’re pulling, is it? You’re truly convinced that you’re in love with a fictional character.”

“Duh,” Bradley mumbled. “And he’s not fictional at all when Colin plays him.”

“Yes, exactly! When Colin *plays* him. Merlin is not a real person for fuck’s sake, Bradley.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Bradley hissed back, ticked at being laughed at when he felt miserable and disgustingly alone. “It’s just… he’s so *there*, you know? Attentive and focused in a way people seldom are.”

Sobering a little, Angel put down her drink. “You mean, attentive and focused on you.”

He frowned. “Well, yeah, sure.”

“Ah, see,” she said, oddly gentle and automatically Bradley braced himself. This was Angel at her most dangerous. “I think I got you all figured out, Bradley James. And here you are thinking you’re such a mystery.”

“I never thought that,” he protested instantly. “I’m not a girl, you know, despite what you say all the time. Besides, even if I had such notions I’d have probably ditched them by now. I’ve gotten used to being transparent, having your insightfulness around all the time.”

She grinned triumphantly and suddenly Bradley had a bad feeling about this. “So you’ll listen to what I have to say?” she purred and at once his balls seemed to shrink.

Damn. The bitch had tricked him. “You tricked me.”

“Go ahead,” Angel said giggling. “Add the expletive, I don’t care.”

Taking a deep breath, Bradley was just about to let loose with a string of not very favourable assumptions concerning Angels heritage, involving several middle-sized mammals and various bodily orifices, when he had a sudden flash of his mothers disapproving face. 

Snapping his mouth shut, he instead said in a tight voice: “Actually, I’m too much of a gentleman for this, so just imagine me calling you several names.”

She snorted in disgust. “I can do that, no problem. So, do you want to hear my theory or do you prefer wallowing in misery?”

“Would it change anything if I decided on the latter?” he whimpered, already fearing the worst.

“Nope, sorry.” She had way too much fun at his expense. 

“Then go ahead. By this point, I just want it to be over with.”

Her gaze softened at his desolate tone. Snuggling up to him on the couch, she took one of his hands between hers. “I love you, you know? It doesn’t always seem that way, I’m sure, but I really do. You’re a great person and even though you hide it pretty well, I’ve never met anyone with a bigger heart. You’re what my mum calls a gentle soul, Bradley, and I admire that about you.”

He swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. “Jeez,” he croaked out. “Keep some of my masculinity intact, will you?”

She squeezed his hand a bit in answer. “Ready?” She asked after a few moments of comfortable silence. He just nodded, knowing she’d feel it.

“You, my friend,” Angel said. “Are in love with Colin Morgan.”

 

* * * * 

 

“You’re what?” Anthony stared at Bradley as if he expected him to shout “Kidding!” at any given moment. Which Bradley actually contemplated doing for several panic-filled seconds. 

“Um,” he mumbled, feeling the colour rise high on his face. “I did say that out loud, did I?”

Chuckling in that soft way of his, Anthony nodded. “You sure did, Bradley. Am I to assume that this blunder never happened? Or do you maybe want to talk about it?”

Sorely tempted to take his older colleague up on the offer to join him on a trip to Denial-land, Bradley finally shook his head regretfully. “Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Believe me, I’ve tried and it only got worse.”

“I don’t think I’d call an admission of love a bad thing.” Anthony looked quite amused and Bradley slowly recognized a pattern. Maybe he should stop talking to his colleagues.

“Oh, it really is,” Bradley answered gravely. “I mean it isn’t like I can just go to him like that and declare my undying devotion now, can I?”

Frowning, Anthony adjusted his leather jacket and looked around searchingly. “Why not?” he asked, sounding a bit distracted. 

“Searching for these?” Bradley grinned, dangling the set of keys in front of Anthony’s face. It had become an inside joke on the set, the way Anthony always seemed to misplace his stuff. A big part of that had been Colin and him hiding it, of course.

“Ah-hah!” Anthony exclaimed, grabbing the keys. “So, tell me again, why can’t you talk to Colin about your feelings?”

Naturally, this was the exact moment Colin chose to enter the room. 

 

* * * *

Colin’s eyes were very big as his gaze travelled between them. “Um,” he finally said in that quiet way he had sometimes. “Richard’s waiting outside for you, Tony, and he says to not forget the gummy bears.”

“As if I ever could,” was the other mans reply and just like that, after administering nothing more than a fatherly pat on Bradley’s arm, he was out the door and gone. Bradley stared after him, already planning the long talk he’d have with him about abandoning one’s co-workers and whatever happened to No Man Left Behind anyways?

So intent was he on mentally drafting his great speech that he nearly missed Colin’s next words. It was only after hearing a certain name that Bradley really tuned in to the other man. Having missed the first part of the sentence, the second part didn’t make much sense though, not that the strong Irish lilt was helping any. 

“Angel has what?” he said, by way of stopping the torrent of words.

“We’ve talked. About you,” Colin repeated slowly, as if talking to a small child. “And she told me what’s been going on with you lately.”

Suddenly Bradley felt his insides go cold. “She has?”

“Yes.” Colin stepped closer, and after shyly glancing down, he bravely met Bradley’s eyes. “I’m so sorry for not noticing earlier, Bradley. I should have.”

“Er,” Bradley half-whimpered. “No, really, it’s nothing, no reason to apologize. I mean, how could you have possibly known when I just recently found out myself?”

“It wasn’t that hard to miss, actually,” Colin smiled. “And if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own drama, I’d have talked to you about it sooner.”

“Not hard to miss?” Bradley heard himself squeak. “Jesus, am I that obvious?”

Sensing his distress, Colin shook his head. “Only to people who know you good enough,” he said soothingly. “You can be surprisingly subtle if you want to be, you know.”

Colin was still smiling. His dark hair was artfully messed in a way Merlin’s never was and he looked great in the deep blue sweater he was wearing. Bradley felt like a douche for even thinking it, but it really brought out the colour of his eyes.

“And you can be surprisingly beautiful,” Bradley blurted out then, unfortunately before the words actually got by his brain. 

Colin frowned and he looked more than a little perplexed. “Um, thanks. I guess.” 

“Yeah, well,” Bradley stuttered. In for a penny, he thought. “It’s only the truth. And we both know that I’m shallow that way. Give me a pretty face and I’m happy. No wonder I fell for you then, huh?”

The silence following his words was as damning as the way Colin froze on the spot. He was staring at Bradley as if he’d just grown another head and all colour seemed to have fled from his face, he was so pale. “Bradley,” he asked in a faint voice, hands fluttering nervously. “What exactly are we talking about here?”

All of a sudden, Bradley knew what it felt like to be in space. He was floating in zero gravity as the ground seemed to have crumbled beneath his feet and all the air was mysteriously missing. 

This astronaut business was way overrated, he decided. 

“Uh,” he answered finally, when he’d finally convinced his lungs to work again. “I know what I’m talking about, though I don’t think we’re on the same page here.” He ran a nervous hand through his hair and desperately tried to shake the strong urge to run. “So, what is it exactly that you and Angel talked about?”

Still looking shocked and more than a little dazed, Colin slowly shook his head. “She just said that you weren’t taking kindly to me withdrawing from you all. I didn’t mean to, you know? There’s just a lot going on, family stuff, and it’s not easy for me being so far away from them all the time…”

As Colin’s voice trailed off, Bradley saw his whole life fall apart. Surely Colin couldn’t just ignore this, like all the other annoying little things that made Bradley hard to live with, such as the way he always listened to cheesy pop songs when he was drunk, or the way he always needed Colin to check if his nose was snot-free before shooting and of course this whole loving-him-thing would be the one thing to tip the already shaking boat finally over and now Colin would quit his job and there’d be no more “Merlin” without *Merlin* and it would be all his fault and the others were going to hate him and do horrible things to him, especially Anthony who’d more than once hinted on having learned some very original martial arts moves on the Buffy set, not to think of Angel, who’d probably just rip his balls off and be done with it. 

Forcefully stopping the train of thought before he’d do something he’d probably regret, like taking Colin hostage to have a bargain to trade his unharmed escape with, he kept his gaze glued to his co-star. 

Later, he’d swear to have seen the exact moment that Colin made up his mind. A sudden smile bloomed on his face and as always, Bradley’s heart jumped in his chest at the sight of it. 

“Were you serious about having fallen for me?” Colin said, shyly biting his lower lip. 

Bradley was speechless with hope. 

In answer, he stepped forward and hugged the slightly smaller man. They stayed like that for a long moment before he turned his head a bit and Colin turned his a bit more and their lips met for the first time. It was awkward and gentle, warm and confusing and everything Bradley had dreamed of his whole life. His hands found Colin’s hair and in the way their bodies fit together, he could feel destiny.

Pun intended.


End file.
